Hungry

I've been feeling rather dry lately. Perhaps that's why I haven't posted in ages. I suppose we all go through these phases of feeling emotionally and spiritually tired. But I've noticed something. It seems as though I periodically feel the need to withdraw into myself--pull the covers of my life over my head because I'm too emotionally tired to face it. Sometimes I can find the source of my exhaustion--lack of sleep, stress, the usual culprits. Other times it seems to happen ex nihilo. That in itself isn't odd, of course. But I'm finding I don't withdraw to renew. I more withdraw for the sake of being dry--and sit there, my lips cracked with thirst, my emotions comatose. Outwardly I seem to be ok; I'm a good enough faker for that, but on the inside there is nothing--I'm unable to be present to my family, friends, and life.

But I can't sit there for long. It might be a couple days, weeks, or sometimes longer...I emerge from my hermitage starving for life--more accurately starving for God. That's what I hate about this withdrawing most of all. I pull away from him too. But, whether it's good or bad, this is when I realize all over again that I can do nothing or be nothing without Christ. My own attempts are futile; my own food is unsatisfying. I need him alone. I know all this, yet why do I wait until I'm starving and dehydrated to seek him? You'd think I would eat when I'm hungry, drink when I'm thirsty, but so often I deliberately refuse the nourishment that I really need and more often truly want.

I suppose the answer lies in discipline...being disciplined enough to seek consistently. And I want it--consistency, but I'm still learning how to get there.