The Elusive Hammock

One of my friends connected the idea of living in the tensions with that of a hammock--that between the tensions you can stretch a hammock, implying that it's ok to live between some tensions, stretch out, rest, and enjoy the fact that you are, for a few hours under an afternoon sun, resting. I like that--and I wish I could sit in the hammock for a few minutes these days, let alone a few hours.

But it feels like my brain can't live inside my heart, or that both are speaking some different language to each other...and they only understand bits and pieces.

I've been thinking a lot about where I've been and what I am--in regard to...well what I'd call my spiritual state of mind, I think. (Or maybe my state of mind in general...because is there really anything that we can separate into "spiritual" and "not spiritual"...useless labels maybe.) I've made some fundamental shifts in my thinking--moving away from performance based Christianity into something more...well just more. But sometimes it feels like my head will explode with new ideas. I think new things...but how then do I live?

It's like I'm pulling off this old crusted scab--it is so good to get it off, finally, but it smarts too--burns like fire really. Sometimes I don't think the new skin underneath is ready to come out...but I don't want to live with the scab anymore either. I have all these ideas swimming in my head, and a lot of my old ideas about life have deflated or flown out the back window as my life morphs into God knows what and things happen. I'm not sure what I think anymore. That's the hardest part...not having answers about a lot of things anymore--now I theorize and think and question and look. But sometimes I think I could drown in this flood of questions.