balance

My mind has been a cluttered mess of thoughts recently. Or, perhaps more correctly, it's been crescendo from a lone viola to an entire symphony of questions, musings, doubts, determinations, and longings. Passion for life, writing, and God is stirring in my pattern of passivity and complacency. I've been officially labeling myself a "recovering perfectionist" for over a year and a half now, trying to actively seek solace from and reject my perfectionist tendencies (ok, yes, more than just tendencies). I want to love God with my heart and soul, not only my mind, to open my mind to "all the fullness of God."

Yet, I've also recognized a tendency in me to wholly embrace extremes--something catches my fancy, and I run into it with my eyes closed, heart closed, so focused on that one thing that I lose balance. If I'm reacting against one side (in my case performance-based, legalistic Christianity), my tendency is commit myself to the opposite camp (completely free from all restrictions, total emotion-based). I leave the North Pole only to pitch my tent in Antarctica. If I leave my slavery to the law only to lose sight of holiness, what have I gained? My heart and mind have been pondering this question of balance in the last week.

I think James captures it well: "the law of liberty." I cannot divorce myself from the freedom Christ has bought for me, but neither can I reject the call to holy living. (Not holiness born from a search for applause and approval but holiness as a reaction, a deliberate movement of myself into the purifying fire of God.) The desire of my heart is passion AND discipline. And therein lies my quest for balance--man, that is hard.